Many moons ago—back when the world wasn’t imploding and there existed such a thing as kid-free time—my sister ventured to my home in Fort Collins to spend the weekend with me and take me to the grocery store (the world may not have been imploding but I was broke AF). At the store, we found several delectable-looking juices and as our eyes met we silently agreed we just need a bottle of rum and we can get all these juices!
We stopped at the lc on the way home, got a bottle of raspberry flavored rum, and headed home. Upon unloading the groceries, we realized with an OCD-like dismay that we somehow had a staggering three juices and only one rum. My sister, an engineer of of epic proportions, is far smarter than me when it comes to brain-thinking.
So when this bitch says to me, “Hey you know, if we get two more flavors of rum then we can test out every combination of flavors. If we just drink all night, we’ll probably just get wasted. But if we drink all night and write down the results of our study, it’s science.”
So hold the fuck up, you’re telling me that we’re about to go get two more bottles of rum, and create threetimesthreeandsomemath…..some crazy number of combinations of drinks, decide if the combinations are good, and then….name them, I guess?
“Hell yes, we are.”
So on that fateful night of July 18, 2015 the Rum Matrix was born, for the good of all humankind.
Ok so let’s reflect on some of this.
First of all….I don’t know where we started. I don’t know what names were created whilst intoxicated and which were right out the gate. Logic would suggest we started in the top left, like when you’re reading or writing. Where we went from there…by juice? By rum flavor? Your guess is as good as mine.
Clearly we had to note the alcohol content in each rum because ya know….science.
I’m not sure what a “DOE Matrix” is, but I’m sure sister explained it to me that night and I just have no clue. I swear guys, I’m smart. But not about this wizard shit.
Some decisions were made….or maybe made about the results:
- Not the Way — 😦 (Fake Coconut Popsicle): Maybe just…..stay away from that one.
- Tits: Yes. Always. Go.
- Disney Princess Kiss: That can only be good, right? What if it’s cursed??
- I’d Cuddle With It: Like, out of pity? With no intentions of finishing the job? Satisfactorily?
- Sweet Death (Meh): Seems this one started out manageable and then tapered off due to an overwhelming sweetness
- Super Fly: Um, absolutely?
- Woooooh: That has five o‘s. It must be phenomenal.
So that’s that. We survived. She made it back home the following day in time to play soccer or some stupid shit that you shouldn’t do when hungover.
I hate to be a spoiler but like, I called this part one. There was another matrix born later, in the name of science, for vodka.