when the fluff is too much

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This beautiful floof is just the most perfect thing ever.  She cuddles on command, she never attacks unless it’s in jest and you’ve initiated it, she kneads affectionately (and can be directed to knead tension areas in the back and neck), she has the tiniest meow, and she’s as soft as a unicorn’s mane.

But alas, every rainbow has its storm.  This cloud-like pussy suffers from hairballs.  As you can imagine, she can’t just be covered in all that floof and be expected not to groom herself.  She is a fucking lady, after all.

The first hairball I witnessed was shot from her divine face atop her cat tower, from the highest perch, and it stuck to the wall like a god damned spit wad.  I was horrified.  Since then I see her do this hacking trick, much akin to that hunched-back fear-of-retribution-in-the-eyes look that dogs get when they are about to vomit, and I can’t help think What can I do to help her through this troubling time. 

I googled how to help my cat with hairballs.  There were a number of results, however all of them were preventative measures.  I can do that too, and that’s helpful, but that’s not what I’m looking for.

While she’s sitting there in the throes of preparing to catapult a hairball, can I stroke her back to help ease its passing?  Can I massage her neck to help push it out?  Can I reach down her throat and pull the mangy bastard free from its intestinal prison?  Is there a cat-equivalent to holding your best bitch’s hair back while she sicks up all that tequila she drank while endlessly singing Margaritaville even though it wasn’t playing anywhere?

I understand there are preventative measures, but I want to know what I can do to help this cloudunicorn when she’s having a hairball regardless of what we do to prevent them.  Plz send halp, 123 Floof Street.

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