If you brew your own coffee at home, get ready because I might change your life.  I’m talking normal brewing mechanisms, not an Aeropress or a fucking Keurig or whatever else is out there these days.  Think, the coffee pot your parents had in the kitchen your whole damned life before options took over and consumed us all.

If you’re like me and still use a normal coffee pot to craft your lusciously hot bean water each day, you’ve likely struggled with the paper filters that come in packs of one million.  The damned things are so compressed…I am guilty of using two filters on accident and creating a mess, of ripping a whole batch apart in a fit of rage because I’m not awake enough to best the very item that I need to conquer the day, and of trying a reusable filter but realizing that I’m just too lazy to clean it every day (it’s sad, I know).

I have collected a series of tricks that can be used to break the vicious and unyielding bonds of the Coffee Filter.  Ok, I have two tricks.  But, when used in conjunction with each other, you are guaranteed success.

The first thing you do is take a batch of the tightly-packed bastards and turn them all inside out, and then return them to their original position/shape.  This breaks the bonds on the edges of each filter that are ultimately the source of your strife.  This skill was imparted upon me by my mother, a resourceful belle from the South.

The next trick you do each time you get a filter.  Just when you think that you have bested the pretentious paper jerks and you have one ready for your coffee pot, pull one section of the filter’s edge flat between your fingers.  If there is more than one filter trying to sneak into the works, pulling the edge flat allows you to see if there are multiple layers attempting to fuck with you.  This skill was imparted upon me by an old, old German woman.

In an unlikely marriage, these tricks from the American South and Somewhere in Germany, when combined, provide you with the most powerful set of tools you can wield when facing off against the savage product that is the paper coffee filter.  So start your New Year the right way: with an unwavering confidence in your ability to best an inanimate object sent straight from hell to make your morning difficult.