I had a rough time getting ready this morning. I spent more time trying to make my hair look like something other than a bird’s nest than I did on my overly-elaborate eye makeup, my dark red liquid lipstick decided to act like a bleeding, feathery dipshit out of nowhere, and my nose literally won’t stop running with this cold weather. However, I am grateful that these are the worst of my issues, because it’s been one tiny, slightly awkward crisis after another at work today.
Cut to a phone call with a woman in one of my communities, trying to sell her million-dollar house; read it in a South Carolina accent for extra credit…
Caller: I just can’t take it anymore. I have to talk to you about my neighbors, they’re simply awful. I was showing my house yesterday and they had BICYCLES leaning up against their house. BICYCLES. Can you believe that? It’s just so…trailer park. I was mortified. And, AND, last week, the neighbor came outside IN HIS FRONT YARD with nothing but shorts on. His FRONT YARD. Can you believe that? They have flower pots on their porch WITH NOTHING IN THEM.
In the end, I spent 8 minutes coddling her and telling her it would be ok. They’re probably the Lexus of bikes anyway. He does own his front yard, and you are about an acre away from his front door. It has been sub-40 degrees for the last two weeks so I’m not sure flowers and plants are surviving currently. I couldn’t say any of that, though.
Cut to a review of a new client’s board meeting materials, where their biggest problem is highlight in a 5-page summation of notes and figures…
My Boss: So no shit, the biggest issue in this community is whether tennis players and pickleball players should be able to use the courts simultaneously, or if they should play in shifts.
My Boss: Preliminary studies show that, of the 90 groups that participated in the initial trial periods, there were no altercations between tennis and pickleball players when they were sharing court time. Now it’s time to put it to a community vote.
These are two of my higher-end clients, obviously, and it’s clear that their priorities and issues are…skewed. But I still wouldn’t want those problems; I’ll keep my inconsistent makeup applications and continue to struggle with the red lipstick that got embedded in my foundation. Because it can always be worse.
Cut to the cornucopia of all minor and major issues, my most time-consuming community, located remotely between the sixth and seventh circles of hell…
They have 31 buildings built on plywood foundations with lakes of water on their flat roofs. They have squirrels and woodpeckers living in their stucco walls. They have an incredibly high crime rate, with drugs, hookers, vehicle theft, assault, etc. Their fire lane barricade has been destroyed, not once, but twice this year by drunk drivers (one was arrested with a 0.27 blood alcohol level, and the other got his car wedged on a juniper and bolted into the nearby park/forest before they could catch him). Granny lives on the corner by the clubhouse and she has a beautiful garden on her patio, but she’s responsible for all the heroin traffic in the community. This summer has brought a fun mix of termites, bed bugs, ants, and mice. I could continue, probably forever, but I shan’t.
The point is, bitches got whack priorities. I see such a broad spectrum of random shit every day at my desk, it makes me super thankful for the problems I have.